I need a hero (open)

[alex]

It was just another dark and cold night after another one of her missions and this one pulled at her heart and as much as she wanted to avoid feeling anything, Alexander felt sorrow and regret ripping her heart apart.

"the kid wasn't supposed to be there .. but i couldn't just kill him .. but i had to kill his parents , they failed to pay the price " she muttered to herself softly as she walked past the crowds of blissfully unaware people, if they only knew what she had done.

she wiped the tears roughly away and thought back to her own childhood if you could ever call it that. the memories of her dreadful past that molded her into this demon that haunted the nights she spent in her cell.

-Flashback-
A young girl with dirty blonde hair and covered in blood and grime looks longingly at the children playing outside the hotel but is rewarded with a slap before she could even ask to go outside and play with them.

a cold cruel voice is heard in the background "monsters don't get the luxury of friends .. you will never belong in the light . get used to being their nightmare " the girl sobs and looks down before weakly answering the voice " yes sir .. i am sorry ..i wont ask again " before she walks off to the mattress on the floor and lays down, in her hands a old and worn teddy-bear.

-end of flashback-

Alex shrugs and sighs a heavy sigh before walking down to one of the more unknown bars of the town and grabs herself a seat in one of the booths."One shot of whiskey and some beer .please " she said and hoped this wasn't one of those goodie two shoes that checked id`s because she didn't have any and she would be damned if she couldn't have something to wash away this nights misery.

[Jim Gordon]

a hero can be anyone

Even a man doing something as simple and reassuring as putting a coat around a little boy's shoulders to let him know that the world hadn't ended.
- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It wasn't meant to end that way...it had gone so wrong...Why hadn't he realized the fate of the mission before it happened? Why couldn't he have looked into the future and see the outcome of him sending Ren into the Narrows alone? Why couldn't he have sent Dave or John or Amelia with the other officer? Why did Ren have to die?

Admitting it, even to himself, was hard. He couldn't believe he'd never hear that man's voice again. Ren was one of the best officers on Team One, and now he was dead because Jim Gordon had basically sent him to his death. Jim felt the pain, he felt it was his fault that his officer was dead. And in a way it was.

He could still see it...

-flashback-

"REN!!" that was Amelia, screaming as the mob closed around him. She tried to run forward, but Jim had grabbed her arm, holding her back as he, himself, felt the cry of horror rising in his throat. He winced as he heard the cry coming from Ren, thick with pain.

Amelia was sobbing now, down on her knees as the mob dispersed, Ren laying in a bloody heap. There was no hope for a dead corpse. Jim closed his eyes and sighed, pain overwhelming him.

-end of flashback-

Gordon had come here, to New York, to clear his head. He needed a drink and he didn't want to run into someone that he knew so he drove all the way to New York. He sighed, as he entered the bar, seeing a woman - who looked too young to be drinking, seated at the bar already. He sat down a stool away from her and ordered a Miller Light, wanting to for once surrender himself to the alcohol in the drink.

He knew there were easier ways to get things like this off his chest. He could always talk to Barbara, his daughter, or John or Amelia or Dave...and when he was alive, Ren. But Ren was dead That's why Jim was out here, because he felt only the guilt. The guilt that overcame him like a tsunami.

When there was no one at the bar - to get his mind from his own problems - he looked over at the girl. He moved a bit closer and asked, "Are you sure you're old enough to be drinking?" His words weren't spoken unkindly, just concerned. He didn't want anyone else getting hurt. Not today. Not now. Hell. Not ever.

[alex]

She had been trough so much in her short life and she had done such terrible things that she didn't know if she even deserved kindness in her life. She wondered where her mother was and if she ever though about her.She sighed softly and grabbed the shot and poured it down as the man didn't bother to ask for her id ,something she was grateful for. She thought back on how she grew up and how she hated it , how she hated herself for being this monster.

-Flashback-
Age seven , she was seven when she had to do her first kill and it was one that she hated. She was informer by her handler that she had to kill the only person that had ever bothered to get to know her somewhat and didn't look at her like she was worse than trash.

She sighed softly as tears fell down her cheeks like a river as she held her friend in her arms after taking his life."I'm so sorry .. I'm so sorry ..please forgive me " she sobbed out softly and looked into those dead and cold eyes before she screamed loudly like a wounded animal almost.

-end of flashback-

She saw a man that sat down next to her. He looked to be troubled as well and had ordered a beer. She drank her beer and sighed as she wasn't sure if she wanted to talk to anyone but then again she wasn't allowed to talk to a lot of people at the base. " I'm sure I'm old enough for it .. and it doesn't matter to me . rules and laws are pointless in my eyes , no one ever obeys them anyways " she said softly and drank her beer greedily as she stared down at the shiny wooden bar-top. "but thank you for your concern . but you shouldn't worry about people like me .. i don't deserve it " she said softly and looked up at the roof.

[Jim Gordon]

(Sorry I lost connection to the chat box)

Jim sighed softly taking a sip from the beer. "Then we aren't that different at all..." His voice trailed off as he sighed running a hand through his greying hair. He knew he shouldn't have let Ren go in alone. He knew he should have posted snipers on rooftops. He sighed his eyes troubled. "I'm concerned because I'm a cop, Miss..?" He looked at her. He wasn't going to arrest anyone not today. And certainly not this girl who seemed as lost as he was. (Meh so short sorry)

[alex]

Alex sighed heavily and turned to look at him , wondering if he could see the monster she was."trust me .. you are not like me at all .. and thats a good thing " she said softly and drank some more beer. "thank you sir . but no need to worry about me .. its a waste of energy " she said softly

"i never got a proper name as a child so i just picked one . its alex " she said softly and looked away."you intending to arrest me? " she asked softly and hoped he wasnt because he had the kindest eyes and she didnt want his blood on her hands too.

notes- dont worry and sorry the meh of this post

[Jim Gordon]

Jim looked at her. "I don't know what you've done, or what's so horrible about it, but everyone has light and dark inside of them, it's the part they chose to act on that counts." (TOTAL SIRIUS BLACK MOMENT) He told her, his voice calm and gentle. "It's a pleasure, Alex," he said with a small smile, holding out his dry, cracked hand to her. "Jim Gordon."

He shook his head, taking a sip of the bear. "No. No's getting arrested today."

notes - it's wasn't all that meh

[alex]

Alex sighed and looked at him " trust me . its awful and i cant stop it either . I'm not meant for the light . i am just a shadow in the night .a creature born in the darkness and whatever i wish , it wont ever happen for someone like me .. i was not a gift to the world but a curse ..i am worse than any monster you see " she said sadly and looked down. pain ,remorse and guilt shone brightly in her eyes. " i have no choice , i do as I'm told no matter how much it pains me "

"its a pleasure Mr Gordon .. i should say anything more .. i-its just i don't get to talk to people all that much .. " she said softly and looked at him. "you seem like a very nice man .. and i appreciate your kind words but I'm a lost cause ." she said softly and licked her lips.

notes- thanks

[Jim Gordon]

Jim glanced at her, meeting her eyes. "Everyone has a choice, Alex." He told her, his voice gentle. He winced slightly and moved his hand back to his back, massaging it's aching surface. He sighed and moved his hand back to the beer bottle. "I've seen a lot of people I could classify as monsters, kid, but you're not one of them."

He took a sip from the bottle. "Why don't you tell me what's going on, and I'll do everything I can to help you." He met her eyes once more, his gentle and kind. "I promise."

[alex]

"i dont .. sir .. i honestly dont . i was made only for this reason . to do as im told " she said softly and sighed heavily " are you alright sir?" she asked softly and licked her lips a bit more. "trust me ..you havent met anyone like me before . and i am one .. i do things that no one should have to do .. i cant show my remorse enough but i feel it .. everyday its like im suffocating with all hurt ive caused "

Tears formed in her eyes " i cant drag you into this sir .. if i do they will make me kill you too .. youre the only other person in my life that has shown me kindness like this " she said softly and smiled at him " im sure you would want to help me , but you cant .. no one can "

[Jim Gordon]

"There has to be a way for you to breakaway from whatever is making you do things like this." He smiled faintly at her, "You don't need to call me 'sir', Alex. Gordon or Jim is just fine." He rolled his shoulders, "Damn back's been aching so much lately." He muttered. "Monsters don't feel remorse. Monsters don't regret. You're not a monster," He told her.

He caught the tears shining in her eyes. "I've been through worse, remember, I'm a cop." He said. "You don't have to go back to where ever it is you stay, you can stay with my daughter and I, if you'd like. It's the least I can do to help."

[alex]

"i dont think so .. i mean if i try they will probably send other clones to kill anyone who helps me ..or worse they do to you what they have done to so many other " she said softly and looked at him with soft sad eyes. "uhm .. im sorry to hear that " she said softly and smiled " b-but thats what he always told me i am .. all my life i have been either demon or monster " she said softly and still tried to understand how he could be so kind to her after all she said.

She looked at him and wiped the tears roughly away " sir . youre too kind .. and you wouldnt offer it if you knew what ive done .. im a horrible person ..hell im not even a person just a shadow of one ..ive killed people than i can remember yet their faces haunt my every dream . this very night i even had to kill a family for them .. i let a young boy watch me slaughter his family .. " she whispered out with broken voice

[Jim Gordon]

"I'm willing to help you find a way out," said Jim. He knew it could put himself in danger, but as long as they didn't do anything to Barbara or Amelia he'd be fine. He cared not for his own life, but more so for their's. They were his life and without them there would be no point in living. "He was wrong, Alex. He was wrong."

He caught her hand when she brushed the tears roughly away. "Hey, it's fine, you don't have to be afraid to cry." He told her softly, but brushed them away gently. "To cry is to show that you're strong enough to let others see what you're feeling."

Jim shrugged, "You've done nothing to hurt me, I see no reason to not let you stay with me until I find out a way to help you." He listened to her as she spoke. "But you didn't do it because you wanted to. You did it because you were forced, correct?"

[alex]

"i c-cant accept it ..Jim .. you're to kind to be near someone like me ..I'm worse than any of your criminals here ..i kill because it was what i was made to be .. a killer , a monster , the things women and men fear " she said softly and looked at her feet. "how can he be wrong when my hands , my very soul is soaked in blood ? when all I've done since childhood is to take lives " She hated that she was made to be that , to become a killer for the Dr and his men.

She hated that she was a failure , she couldn't be emotionless and ruthless the way the doctor wanted and she also was too dirty to be a human being like Jim."I'm not allowed to cry . I'm not allowed to feel .I'm not meant for it " she said sadly and looked at him" i don't feel strong . i feel conflicted and dirty ,broken for all purposes "

She cried harder and sobbed softly "i don't want to hurt you , i don't want to hurt people ..i want to know where my mommy is and why she left me there ? why she hated me so much that she gave me to them " she sobbed out softly and rubbed her eyes " i hate having to hurt and kill people , i hate the small cold cell ..i hate myself "

[Jim Gordon]

Jim sighed softly, listening to her. "Then let's change that, you have a choice, Alex. If you let me, I think I can help you." He said, "We've all made bad decisions, that doesn't mean you can't work past them and be a better person. My adopted daughter, Amelia, was a murder once as well. She killed mercilessly, but now she works as a police officer."

Amelia had made bad choices, but she had chosen to put them behind her and work to be a better woman. Jim wasn't about to give up on Alex, he believed that she had goodness inside of her. Everyone did, according to Jim Gordon.

He looked at her sadly. "That's how he wants you to feel, because he thinks that if you feel like that he can control you, but if you stand up to him he can't control you. I can help you get out, Alex, please believe me. Let me help you." He wanted to strangle the man who was doing this to her, she didn't deserve it, she deserved a life just like everyone else did.

Commissioner Jim Gordon moved closer to her and wrapped his arms around her when she started to sob. He held her in a tight hug against him. "I'm not going to let him hurt you again, Alex, I promise," the older man told her as he gently rubbed her back. He was intending to keep that promise. No. He would keep that promise.

"Don't say that, you're a good person. You're not the monster he's led you to believe. You're not soulless. If you were soulless you wouldn't regret what you've done. Trust me, Alex, you're no monster."